5 Thoughts About Beyonce’s Photographer Blackout

So a while ago there was a series of unflattering photos going around the webz of Beyonce from the Superbowl performance.  I’m not going to post any because undoubtedly you’ve seen at least one of them and then some iteration again with some meme-type words over the top.  Her PR firm then asked everyone to take down the photos because of the unflattering nature of said photos, at which point the entirety of the internet LOL’ed in unison.

Lauren makes faces during light tests and then turns it up to 11.

Lauren makes faces during light tests and then turns it up to 11.

Beyonce, not to be defeated, denies all access to photographers on tour except the Beyonce-sanctioned-robot-photo-taker-whose-CF-cards-are-confiscated-after-every-show, thusly preventing the previous debacle.  Here are some words from my head.

The Cult Of Celebrity Is Biased Against Women(Duh.)

Love her or hate her, Beyonce is an accomplished entertainer and pretty much a freaking athlete on stage.  Michael Jordan made a crazy face every time he got close to the basketball goal and they took that face and plastered it all over posters and t-shirts and whatever else.  The photos border on sexist (maybe totally sexist) but either way, they were a low blow.

You Have To Learn To Laugh At Yourself

The internet forgives.  And if it doesn’t, it forgets pretty easily because something else will capture the attention of the hive-mind in the next 20 minutes or so.  How NOT to respond is to make a big fucking deal about it by asking the interent to remove pictures of you making funny faces.  Having your PR company do it is even worse because it removes the humanity from your situation and not only do you look like you can’t take a joke, you look like an ashole who can’t take a joke, thus painting a HUGE target on your back.  The internet hates assholes.

The Price You Pay For Being Royalty

When you’re bros with the president, get to go to Cuba even though it’s illegal, take private jets to Paris with Gwyneth Paltrow and make milllllllllions of dollars every year, you’re going to take some shit.  You get to live like a queen but you also have to do all that in front of the all-seeing public eye.  It sucks, but you signed up for it.

You Don’t Want To See How Stuff Is Made

You don’t want to watch them make your food in a commercial kitchen, you don’t want to be at a slaughter house before your steak gets to the restaurant, you don’t want to see how much Photoshop goes into every ad, you don’t want know that most songs on the radio are completely auto-tuned and created from a program that predetermines what songs will most likely resonate with the public. (TRUE STORY.) Beyonce has to make weird faces on the way to making sexy faces.  Gotta break eggs to make omelet.   Her act is supposed to be realized as a whole, not 1/500th of a second at a time and realistically each and every one of makes dumbass faces all the time doing way less cool things than performing at the Superbowl.

Don’t Micromanage

Because when you get to a certain point in your celeb-dom, you lose all fucking sight of what it’s like to be a real person who has real people around them to tell them when they are making really stupid decisions, Beyonce will not allow any photographers on her tour except for her one sanctioned eunuch photographer wearing a shock collar and a leash.  So in essence  Beyonce created two more incidents involving her photos instead of just riding out the meme-wave and graciously taking a little ribbing.  (#2 when she let out the PR attack dogs, and #3 when she banned photographers) Thusly, bringing those photos around to public consciousness to cycle through two more times!  Just leave it alone!  Quit picking at it, it’ll go away by itself!

Some years ago Halle Berry won a Razzie for Worst Actress in Catwoman.  So she got dressed up and took that stage to accept her award like a FUCKING BOSS.  Laugh and the world laughs with you.  And then loves you even more because you are ridiculously humble and awesome.


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