Chuck Norris and the Nuge: The Internet is Trying to Kill Us With Dumb

Fame in this internet/reality TV era a strange thing.  There was a time when I believed that achieving any level of famous was only possible by being good enough at something (even if it was just bullshitting that you were good at )  But now I think all it takes is just being ironically good enough and you’re in.  In this way the Internet has made fame an absolutely useless commodity, not to mention, terribly arbitrary. It’s a club that anyone can join (or rejoin) and by definition, that’s really no club at all.  That’s just an Arby’s drive-thru.  You can have a roast beef sandwich like everyone else, you just have to show up during open hours.

Norris poses with his evolutionary biology degree from Harvard.

Let’s talk about Chuck Norris.  Not in a “under his beard there’s just another fist” way, but in a factual, non biased, scientific way.  Chuck Norris is an ass-clown.  The guy had a good run karate chopping and karate kicking and shooting stuff and being a Texas ranger.  But when you’re an actor with really only one face you can put on, at some point you should start a chain of restaurants or buy into a sports team.  I’m not saying this to be a jerk…but how many of you have watched a full season of Walker, Texas Ranger? (Not for a drinking game, but with an actual emotional investment in the characters.)  (Answer: no one.)  So one day, the Internet, in a moment of hive-mind brilliance (or lunacy) decided to resurrect Chuck Norris’s near-lifeless corpse with the Chuck Norris Meme.  The world embraced this ironic Lazarus with full (Delta) force and responded by buying books and t-shirts and making websites and calendars ad nauseam.  Suddenly, an entire generation of people who had never even seen a Chuck Norris movie were quoting his ultimate badass-ness to one another.  And what did Chuck Norris do when he awoke one sunny day on his karate farm to find that he was famous again?  What, with this infinite bounty of luck and chance in the palm of his hand, was his first public act?  He endorsed a presidential candidate who believed in creationism–brain surgeon and astrophysicist, Mike Huckabee.

Suffice to say, Huckabee declined the presidency in order to further his scientific and mathematical studies, but Norris, not one to quit, bounced back in 2012 to pen an endorsement for Newt Gingrich.  The internet and the media, somehow still infatuated with Norris’s imagined greatness, covers this non-event because I guess Jean-Claude Van Damme wasn’t available for comment.

And then The Nuge happened.  Animal-killing, guitar squealing, Damn Yankee, hillbilly and political scientist, Ted Nugent, threatened to kill the president in front of a large group of people, who I can only assume were mustachioed hipsters basking in the fake-liking of The Nuge for ironic purposes, because no real human being would actually go see Ted Nugent talk by choice.  Surely, 15 minutes afterward he was bombarded by magazines and news outlets begging him for his well-researched ideas about foreign policy but I don’t know this for sure because I was afraid to Google it lest it be true.  I just couldn’t take the reality.

Internet, you have made gods out of men and they have risen to fight against us.  They have taken the spoils of re-fame and squandered it foolishly, not on boob jobs and Ferraris and heroin, but on flimsy soapboxes and online political degrees.  Skynet, I’m afraid, has become self aware and we had better start building a time-traveling cyborg to travel back and start kicking ass.  And I think I know just the guy…

The Saganator.

Suit up, Carl Sagan, the world cannot afford to lose you quite yet.


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