My Trip to Louisville KY on American Airlines

Last weekend I was in my little brother’s wedding in Louisville, KY.  There are a Brazillion stories about bad flight experiences, but I feel like I need to add one more, however, I will use pictures I found on the internet to better to illustrate the saga.

First: I paid too much money for an economy class seat to Louisville, KY, by way of Dallas-Fort Worth.  Two weeks before it was roughly half of the price that I paid, but apparently Louisville, Kentucky is a hotspot around the first of October.

Secondly, I was frisked, patted down, and generally treated like a criminal in the name of freedom.  While waiting for a male agent to get to second base (maybe third?) with me, my laptop computer was unattended, as was my wallet, shoes, cellphone, etc etc.  And I was told that I wasn’t allowed to retrieve them as that this was the price I paid for opting out of the PornoScanner which irradiates you with an undetermined amount of weirdness.

After the TSA determined that I was not actually a threat, we carried our belongings and our shame to the waiting area.  As is usually the case, our plane was late.  Not because of the connecting flight, but because the announcer had to thank every single manner of exclusive travelers, (Gold Club, First Class, Trident, Mastercard Executives, Platinum Miles Members, Business Elite, Richer Than You, More Important Than You, Won’t Make Eye Contact With You) and this took upwards of an hour.

At last, we were ushered aboard after the last bottle of champagne had been emptied for the first class passengers.  We grunted and shoved our way into the economy section as we all tried desperately to jam our  luggage into the overheads (because we didn’t want to pay for a checked bag), while simultaneously trying furiously not to to accidently press our genital areas on anyone else’s, which is nearly impossible.

There were 6 seats across the airplane where there should only be four.  So we mostly looked like this the entire way to Dallas:

Because of the hour and a half delay in Los Angeles, we missed our connect at DFW (by 4 minutes) because the ramp agent would not hold the plane for the 17 people who were connecting on this same flight.  So this happened:

But here’s where it really gets awesome.  The entire terminal is plastered with signage advertising that American Airlines just made the largest purchase of planes in history.  This sounds great, right? Additionally, there are also posters that boast the most technologically advanced planes in the sky.   Sooooooo, you might understand my surprise when I sit down and see this:

Right now, you’re thinking one of two things depending on how old you are.  If you are under 20, you are wondering what exactly those boxes are because you’ve never seen one before.  If you are over 20, you are wondering if my plane actually transported me back in time because THOSE ARE TUBE TELEVISIONS IN THE CEILING.  When is the last time you watched anything on a CRT TV?  At your grandmother’s house?  NO! BECAUSE YOU HAD THE DECENCY TO BUY A FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION FOR HER BECAUSE THEY ARE RIDICULOUSLY CHEAP AND AVAILABLE ALMOST ANYWHERE.  Luckily, though, we were closest to the television with the intense purple tint.  Blue was next, another purple, and then a very unpleasant shade of green.

American Airlines Public Relations Person, if you are out there, I have this piece of advice.  Charge more.  You treat us so badly that I can only assume that you do not want our business.  You are uncertain of your customer base and you need to find your niche.  Which, I’m assuming, are all of the people you thank before and after every flight.  I am looking forward to the day when airlines have inflated the cost so much that it is no longer an option for me.  I won’t have to make the decision because I have been out-priced, thus, allowing more room for the Diamond Class Mile Members, who are the most important, after all.

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